Children Fighting – What Can We Do as Parents?
July 20, 2024
Children Getting Along Better?
By getting along, we mean children who rarely fight or argue, who know how to have conversations, and who can sort out conflicts amicably? They learn these skills by watching how we, as parents, resolve conflicts, not only with our spouse but also with our children. How we disagree with and get along with our children is crucial. If we predominantly use controlling, correcting, criticizing, and coercing tactics to get them to do as we say, they are likely to mimic these behaviours with each other. Remember, our children are watching us.
Children Fighting - What Can We Do as Parents?
When our children are fighting, ideally, we should do nothing unless there is a safety issue. This means intervening only if they are hurting each other, damaging property, or harming themselves during the fight.
Communicate this agreement to them in advance. Let them know that you will not act as a referee or pick sides. You will intervene only if there is a safety issue, verbal abuse, or escalation.
We can address this issue in three parts:
1. What to do in advance.
2. What to do during the fight.
3. What to do after the fight.
Before the Fight: When both children are peaceful and receptive, lay down the ground rules. Remind them of these rules before they play together. The ground rules are:
1. You will intervene only if there is a boundary violation or physical, verbal, or emotional violence.
2. You will step in if there is a safety threat to either child or property.
3. You are available to listen if anyone needs help.
Recap these rules before leaving them to themselves.
During the Fight: Stick to the rules. Intervene only if they break the rules. Otherwise, let them resolve the conflict themselves as they are learning negotiation and problem-solving skills.
After the Fight: If one child asks for help or if you witness a boundary violation, start by acknowledging their emotions. For example, if both come crying and screaming, you might say, "I can see both of you are upset and I want to listen to both of you. Can you first sit down when you're ready? I can't hear anything as you are both too loud. I'll wait until you can sit down and then I'm all ears."
Once they have calmed down, take turns listening to them. Ask who wants to go first. If both want to go first, wait until they decide. This shifts the responsibility of negotiation and decision-making back to them while still providing your support.
Remember the RRR (Regulate, Relate, Reason) approach. Start talking to them only after both are regulated. It is okay for a child to not want to share something. They can say no, and the other should accept it. Encourage them to explain their reasons for not wanting to share.
Children Finding It Difficult to Share
It's not always necessary to share, but the context and understanding of sharing can be important. Here are some considerations:
1. Situational Sharing: Sharing can be important in certain situations, such as when resources are limited or when interacting with others in social settings. For instance, sharing toys at playdates can help children develop social skills and empathy.
2. Personal Boundaries: It's also crucial to respect personal boundaries. Sometimes, it's okay for someone to want to keep something for themselves, especially if it’s a matter of personal space or comfort. Teaching children to understand and respect these boundaries is as important as teaching them to share.
3. Consent and Respect: Sharing should be encouraged, but not forced. It’s important for children to understand that they have the right to say no and that their feelings and choices should be respected. Encouraging voluntary sharing, where the child feels comfortable and willing, is more beneficial than enforcing it.
4. Balance: The goal is to find a balance between encouraging sharing and respecting individual needs. Teaching children to share helps them develop cooperation and empathy, but it’s also important to recognize when a child needs to retain something for their own sense of security or personal preference.
In summary, while sharing is often a valuable skill for social interactions, it’s not always mandatory. Understanding and respecting personal boundaries and feelings is also key. By teaching children these values and modelling positive conflict resolution, we can help them develop the skills needed to get along better, manage conflicts, and understand the nuances of sharing.
