Navigating Grief: Dealing with Death – Part 9 of Making Lived Experiences Matter

February 10, 2024

Welcome to Part 9 of Making Lived Experiences Matter. In our previous sessions, we explored coping mechanisms such as the 6 Fs—Feeding, Fight, Flight, Fawning, Freeze, and Fornicate—and the interconnected Ds—Discomfort, Doubt, Diagnosis, Disorder, Disability, Discussion, Disconnection, and Dysfunction. Today, we delve into a particularly poignant topic: Dealing with Death.

The Certainty of Death

Death is a definitive and discomforting experience. Unlike the uncertainties we navigate daily, death is absolute and brings a permanent disconnection from someone we cared for. This stark reality can be profoundly unsettling, as it feels like an irreplaceable loss.

Personal Reflection

I am currently experiencing this profound discomfort. Recently, I lost my rescue cat, Zero, who had been a beloved member of our family. Zero's passing has been a deep emotional challenge. Though she was a pet, her loss feels like the loss of a daughter to me. As I talk about this, I am overwhelmed by sadness and bodily reactions—tears, a burning sensation in my chest, and an intense sense of discomfort.

Coping Mechanisms and Trauma

In navigating this grief, it's crucial to recognize how coping mechanisms might manifest. We may inadvertently resort to the 6 Fs when faced with such emotional upheaval. It’s essential to distinguish between choosing a coping mechanism and it choosing us.

The Process of Dealing with Death

When confronted with death, the process involves several steps:

1. Acknowledge: Accept the reality of the loss. Zero is gone, and it’s crucial to face this truth.
2. Reflect: Consider your thoughts and emotions about the loss. This reflection helps in understanding the blame or shame you might feel.
3. Accept and Release: Engage in activities that help you process and release the emotions from your body. This could include physical activities, talking about the loss, or sensory stimulation techniques like tactile or olfactory exercises.

Managing Grief and Responsibility

In the aftermath of Zero's passing, I've grappled with feelings of responsibility and guilt. I questioned if I could have done more to save her. Such self-blame can be detrimental, leading to trauma rather than healthy grief processing.

The Importance of Supportive Conversations

When discussing grief with others, it's crucial to avoid reinforcing feelings of blame or shame. Supportive conversations should focus on understanding and compassion, not on amplifying self-reproach. For instance, acknowledging the best efforts made in caring for Zero without attributing undue blame helps in processing grief healthily.

Moving Forward

Understanding that mistakes can happen, and that grief is a natural process, helps in reconciling with loss. It’s important to recognize that our worth is not diminished by the grief we experience or the mistakes made.

Seeking Help

If you find yourself struggling with grief, don’t hesitate to seek support. It’s okay to cry, to talk about your loss, and to seek help from others. Normalizing these experiences is crucial in processing grief and preventing it from turning into trauma.

Conclusion

Grief is a complex and deeply personal experience. By acknowledging and reflecting on our emotions, and by seeking support, we can navigate this challenging journey with compassion for ourselves and others. Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this difficult time. Let’s continue to normalize and embrace the grieving process, acknowledging that it’s a vital part of our emotional well-being. Thank you for being part of this journey.