Speaking at Rajashree Memorial School in Aluva, especially at the invitation of someone I deeply respect, Usha Aunty, was a moment for a happy dance. Usha Aunty's extensive work, vast experience, and expertise in educating young minds for decades with such dignity and poise have always been an inspiration to me. Also, being one of the very few whom Amma calls a "friend," it was a true honor to be invited. Thanks to the lack of documented evidence of my adolescent years, I could confidently talk about what it takes to raise safe, healthy, and happy adolescents without losing one's sanity. I've never been more thankful for growing up before technology took over! Adolescents often feel misunderstood, and I certainly did during that stage of life. As I prepare to parent two adolescents, I'm delving deep into understanding these young minds. I couldn't find a better word to describe this tumultuous period of life than "DEFIANCE." #D - Discuss the Dos and avoid having just a long list of Don'ts. It's crucial that both parents communicate the same rules. Also, watch if most of your conversations are just instructions. If so, make time for more meaningful daily conversations. #E - Emotions come first. Understand the teen brain; they are primarily driven by emotions, not thoughts. They feel more than they think. It's okay to feel all these emotions, but discuss and decide which expressions of these emotions are acceptable. Suggest alternatives if what they choose is unsafe or unhealthy. There is zero tolerance for self-harm, harming others, or property damage; seek help without delay. #F - Flight vs. Fight Responses. Understand that any sudden demand or lack of predictability can trigger a teen. It could be a fight response (talking back, retorting) or a flight response (ignoring you as if you don't exist). Take it easy and don't get pulled into the fight or flight. Prepare them in advance for sudden changes and take it slow. #I - Ignore what's not crucial. Choose your battles wisely and avoid picking on every little thing. Let go, but don't give in to tantrums. Give instructions only when really necessary and when you have the time and energy to follow through. #A - Ask questions and acknowledge the good. Ask questions with the intention of understanding their point of view, not as a police interrogation. Always acknowledge the things they do and say correctly. Appreciate their efforts. It takes effort to be productive when emotions run high. #N - Need for Control. Understand their need for control and be willing to negotiate when possible. Give choices where both options are acceptable to you. Let them have a sense of control. #C - Calm in Their Storm. Stay calm during emotional outbursts. It can test your patience, but remember, you're the adult. They need to see a calm and composed adult who they can emulate. They may not listen to what you're saying, but they're watching what you're doing. #E - Explain the Consequences. Keep consequences as logical as possible. For example, if they forget something, let them face the consequence as long as it's not harmful to them, others, property, or the environment. Avoid falling into a reward and punishment mode of parenting. We're not raising circus animals with a carrot and stick approach. Let's raise healthy adults who are competent and compassionate.
